All's Fair in Love, War, and First-Person Shooters
by Plumcot
Summary: "There's someone here." Kiku whispered. There was another moment of silence, before a loud scream forced Alfred to rip the headset away from his ear. Even with the thing lying on the ground, he could still hear the firing of the sentries, and the loud whooshing noise of a flame thrower; the blue pyro. Rated T for language.


Alfred ran through the building, his baseball bat gripped firmly in hand. Breathing heavily, he stopped behind a wall, taking some time to rub the blood off his chin as he smirked. He'd taken some damage for it, but Yao, the blue team medic, was down. He wiped the blood off on his shirt, figuring it wouldn't be seen anyway against the already-red fabric. He then switched on the headset over his ear, tapping into what he hoped was the right signal.

"Kiku?" He said into the mic. "Kiku, you there?"

There was a short static-y noise before the Japanese engineer answered. "Yes, Alfred-san. What is it?"

"I just took out the blue team's medic. How're you holding up with those sentries?"

Kiku looked around at the dozens of sentries he'd positioned around the intelligence. Normally he should only have been able to build one, but… he had his resources. "I think we're safe." He said confidently. "You'd have to be insane to-" He cut himself off.

"Kiku?" Alfred frowned. "Kiku, what's wrong?"

"There's someone here." Kiku whispered. There was another moment of silence, before a loud scream forced Alfred to rip the headset away from his ear. Even with the thing lying on the ground, he could still hear the firing of the sentries, and the loud whooshing noise of a flame thrower; the blue pyro. Alfred gritted his teeth. He had to be alive though, right? Kiku had built so many sentries, he was probably eating a sandwich over that blue bastard's body by now! His energy recovered, he left the headset lying there as he slung the baseball bat firmly over his shoulder, headed in the direction of the intelligence. Time to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

"Hee hee, Doitsu doesn't even know I'm sneaking up behind him!" Feliciano giggled to himself. He snuck gingerly up behind the red medic, his knife raised in the air. Oh, Ludwig was going to be so scared!

Ludwig sighed. "You do know I can hear you, right Feli?" He said, not even bothering to turn his back. Really, why Feliciano had decided to be a spy he'd never know. The man couldn't sneak his way up behind a deaf sloth, let alone a trained warrior.

Feliciano startled, the dagger clattering to the ground as he clasped his hands together. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I wasn't really going to kill you honest I was just playing around I'm not even really on the blue team I j-just got some paint on my suit is all please don't kill me!"

Ludwig stared at the quivering mess before him, wondering if he really had it in him to kill the Italian. Finally he sighed and lifted Feliciano up in the air, setting him down in a nearby chair and tying him to it. "You'll stay here until the battle is over." He said firmly. Feliciano nodded pathetically, already having resigned himself to his fate.

"Comrade!" Ludwig looked up to see Ivan, walking in with his minigun in hand and blood splattered all up his shirt. "I am in need of your assistance!"

Ludwig sighed, walking up to the heavy. "What did you do this time?"

"I managed to kill the other heavy, but I have a few bullets lodged in my… everywhere."

Ludwig grimaced as he looked down at the man's body, finding quite a few holes which did seem to be leaking. How he managed to take so much damage without keeling over he'd never know. "Alright, sit down."

Ivan did, looking with curiosity at the Italian spy as he did so. "What is he doing here?" He asked as the medic got to work removing the bullets.

"It's a long story." Ludwig said. Suddenly, the door burst open. Everyone in the room snapped to face the door, finding a man standing there in a blue pyro uniform. "Scheiße!" Ludwig exclaimed, rushing to exchange his Medi Gun for something a little more damaging, as the heavy lumbered to his feet with the minigun. But they were both too late, and the room was engulfed in flames before either of them could retaliate. The men both screamed as their flesh was burnt from their bones, the pyro simply watching with his head tilted, as if he was curious why they would be so scared.

"Ve, you saved me!" Feliciano said happily, the ropes having been burned from his arms. Lucky for him the man was on his team, so he was unhurt. The pyro seemed not to notice him, however, and simply turned out of the doorway and walked away. "Um… g-grazie?" Feliciano called after him. He shivered. That man gave him the creeps.

* * *

Alfred ran through the map once again, now out in the open air. He needed to get to the intelligence fast, to make sure his buddy was still alive. He was almost to the other building when he felt a hand grab around his collar, and he was pulled into a dark corner.

"What the-" He wasn't allowed to finish his sentence, as a hand was clasped over his mouth.

"Shhh. Look there." The familiar French-accented voice said, pointing in front of him to a window above. Alfred looked where he was pointing, and immediately saw what he was talking about; Tino, the blue team sniper, was hanging out in the window, a rather impressive rifle trained on anyone who dared make the passage between the bases. Alfred ripped the hand from his mouth, turning around to see just who he had expected; Francis, his team's spy, was standing there in the dark. "I believe I just saved your life, non?" He said cheekily.

Alfred grimaced. "Shut up. What am I supposed to do about that anyway?" He gestured behind him to the sniper. "I have to get to our intelligence to make sure Kiku is okay!"

Francis raised one eyebrow. "And why would our engineer not be okay?" He asked.

"I was on the comm with him when he said someone was there. Next thing I knew, he was screaming and his sentries were firing and I swear I heard a pyro!"

Francis seemed to consider this. "Hmm… but you do know that the purpose of this little battle is not to protect our friends, hm? Are you sure this is in the best interest of the team?"

"I don't fucking care!" Alfred nearly shouted, quieting down when he realized he might alert the sniper to their position. Nonetheless, Kiku was one of his best friends! He let him play his video games and he didn't shut him up when he rambled about superheroes! If there was even the slightest chance that Kiku might be in trouble, he wanted to help!

"Ah, say no more." Francis said. "Who am I to stand in the way of true love?"

"What!?" No no no, that was all kinds of wrong! Alfred liked Kiku, sure, but not like _that! _

"I will take care of the Finn for you, no worries." Francis said. Oh… well, if it would get him to help out…

"Sure, thanks." Alfred said. "Anything to get to my sweetheart." He smirked inwardly. Damn, he was a manipulative sonuva bitch! He watched as the Frenchman snuck silently up to the sniper. Soon the gun fell, a quiet 'thump' sounding from where the Finn fell with it. Francis gave a quick thumbs-up out the window, and Alfred waved a thank you before running off towards the intelligence again.

* * *

Antonio whistled happily as he walked around the map, looking for people to torch. The sound came out pretty muffled, but then, that was what came with being the red team's pyro. As he walked, he vaguely wondered where his Lovi had gone. He didn't even know what team he was on this time… he really hoped he wouldn't have to kill his querido, that would just be cruel!

"Surprise, tomato bastard!" It looked like he'd spoken too soon. Antonio jumped backwards just as a baseball bat crashed into the flooring in front of him. He looked up with wide eyes at his Romano, clad in a blue tank top and wearing a scowl like a weapon.

"L-Lovi!" Antonio said, though it came out more like "Mmph mph!" He pulled off the mask, gasping at the sudden wave of fresh air. "Lovi, it's me! Antonio!"

"Idioto!" Lovino yelled as he swung the bat again, narrowly missing as the Spaniard ducked. "We're on opposite teams! What makes you think I'd take pity on you?"

"B-but Lovi! Te amo!" Antonio cowered in front of his lover. The Italian could be so mean sometimes! And scary! The bat was just about to come down on his head, and Antonio was in the middle of trying to say goodbye to every family member he could think of before he went, when he felt an unexpected heat from behind. At first it just tickled; after all, his suit was fire retardant. But soon it began to feel uncomfortable, and in a matter of moments it was burning straight through the material.

Lovino watched in confusion as the Spaniard he had been more than ready to bash against the wall was burned to a char by the blue team's pyro. "Hey, bastardo!" He yelled at the masked man. "What gives, I fucking had him!"

"Mmph mmph." The pyro shrugged, before walking calmly away from the scene.

"I'm not done with you yet!" The scout yelled as he chased him angrily. But as soon as he rounded the corner, his was gone. "Bastard…" Lovino muttered. "What the fuck, that's the spy's deal!"

* * *

"Kiku!" Alfred called as he neared the intelligence. There was no reply as he rushed down the stairs in a hurry to find his friend. "Kiku, are you okay?" He stopped short when he got to the bottom of the stair flight. There, in the center of a huge ring of dead sentries, was Kiku. Or at least… it might have been Kiku. Alfred knelt in front of the charred remains of the engineer, the only identifying article the wrench he still clutched in his hand. "Kiku… dammit, why!?" Alfred screeched at no one in particular, clenching his fists as tears began to run down his face. He froze. Suddenly, he was aware of footsteps behind him. The sound of heavy, muffled breathing. He turned on the spot, still on the ground.

There he was. The blue pyro. The mask gave him an eerily calm demeanor as he looked upon the red scout before him and raised his flamethrower in preparation.

"Wait!" Alfred shouted. The pyro seemed to stop, waiting for him to talk, so he continued. "B-before you do this… take off your mask! I want to at least see the face of the man who ends my life!"

It was a long shot. But to Alfred's surprise, the pyro took one hand off his flamethrower to lift his mask up and off. Blonde hair tumbled down his shoulders, and violet eyes blinked in the light.

It was Matthew.

"M-Mattie?" Alfred said in disbelief as he studied his brother, standing there and- and _smiling. _He was smiling, why was he smiling?!

"Betcha weren't expecting that, were you?" Matthew said, raising the flamethrower again. He giggled childishly, sending chills down Alfred's spine. "Nighty-night!"

That was the last thing Alfred heard before his body was burnt in a blast of unforgiving flame.

* * *

"What the hell, Mattie!?" America yelled as his character dropped to the ground. "I thought we were brothers! BROTHERS, DUDE!"

Canada grinned from his computer. "All's fair in love and war, Al!" He said happily as he ran off to go eliminate one of the other countries. Germany and Russia had already popped back, and Spain's timer was just about to run out as well. But thanks to the Canadian, it looked like blue would be winning this round!

"Lu-uddy," Italy whined. "Can we be on the same team this time? Ve, killing you is no fun!"

"Lovino, why would you do that to me?" Antonio cried at the southern half of Italy. "You were so scary! Would you really do that? Would you really kill me, Lovi?"

"Shut up, bastard! It's just a fucking game, what are you so worked up about!?"

"I swear I am going to blow your brains out, Francis." Tino commented as his character popped back to life, which was met with only a sly 'ohonhonhonhonhon' from the Frenchman.

"What the hell was with that creepy giggle, anyway?" America asked, leaning back as he waited for his character to come back. Of course, most of what had just happened in the game had probably been his overactive imagination – especially since dead bodies in Team Fortress tend not to stick around too long – but he could have sworn he'd actually heard his twin giggle as he killed him.

There was a moment of silence from Canada, before a small giggle rose up in the back of his throat. He turned to America, smiling pleasantly at him. "Whatever do you mean?" He said, tilting his head innocently.

America blanched. Oh, he was so having nightmares tonight…

* * *

**Author's note: Okay, so I'll admit I don't play TF2 that much. That's my brother's deal. And my mom's. (They make quite the team.) But I couldn't resist th****e idea of a psychopathic pyro Matthew! Doesn't that image just give you chills?**


End file.
